My Dearest Ella:

I know that you are surrounded by more love and peace than I could ever imagine, much less provide for you right now, but I need the opportunity to be your mother just one more time and share some special memories before I say goodbye to you. 

I want you to know how long we waited for you to share your life with us.  I’ve imagined my life as your mother for years before we knew you were coming, and the day we found out that you were due to arrive on earth on October 2^nd was one of the happiest days of my life.  I helped Brian make a drawing of himself as your big brother to share the news with your daddy, and Brian wore a special Big Brother shirt to tell many of your aunts, uncles and friends.  I’ll never forget the looks of amazement and joy at the news of your impending arrival. 

Consequently, the day we were told that your stay with us would be short, at best, was one of the saddest days I will ever experience.  Since that time, you and I have walked together, day after day, and spent time learning to love one another and accept our time together, however short.  We’ve talked and danced and laughed and cried, and we’ve prayed for peace and understanding everyday.  You’ve touched so many lives, and we’ve tried to share your beauty and your joy with as many people as possible.  There have been many sad days, but what I have come to realize through all of this is my sadness is more about my dreams for your life here—a life that was not to be.  I’ve mourned the loss of the first day I would have tied ribbons in your hair and taken you for pictures that daddy and I and your grandparents would have proudly shared with anyone we knew.  I’ve cried when I’ve thought about how it might have been for you and your brother Brian to anxiously await the arrival of Santa Claus together or shop for the first day of school as you grew older.  I wanted to fix your hair for your first dance recital and help you select the perfect dress for your first big school dance, and I longed to stand proudly at the edge of my seat as your daddy walked you down the aisle to greet an anxious fiancé.  But those days were never meant to be.  You, my darling, were meant for a life of love, beauty and grace that we cannot even imagine. 

We chose a name for you that has special meaning.  Your grandma Lorine and your great-grandma Ella are two women that I did not have the privilege of meeting, yet they gave me two of the most important people in my life—my mother and your daddy.  Although I have never met them, I know they have already welcomed you with the same caring and safe arms that I have experienced from their legacies.  We could not bear the thought of you ever being alone, so we wanted to give you their names to help you find one another in heaven. 

We’ve sent a few things with you today as we say our final goodbyes.  You have a bracelet that matches the one on my wrist from some of mommy’s special friends around the country, and a bunny that Brian picked out for you as a birthday present.  You also have a pair of toe shoes, just like the ones daddy bought me for Mother’s Day this year.  When we see each other again, we can dance in them together to celebrate our reunion and our love.  Besides, if you know anything about your mother, you need to know that she would never send you anywhere without the right pair of shoes. 

I wish I knew what else to say to you, but all I can say is that I love you now and forever.  In our 35 weeks together before your birth and your six precious hours on this earth, you’ve taught me more than I ever could have done for you.  I wanted to be your mother, to teach you about love and life and family and spirit, but instead you’ve been the one to provide me with strength and comfort.  You’ve shown me how deeply it’s possible to love someone while your heart is breaking in pieces.  You’ve reminded me each and every day of the gifts I’ve been given, and you struggled and fought an incredibly difficult battle just to share one day with me.  You were an amazing gift from God, and I am forever grateful for our time together. 

Goodbye for now, my angel.  Although we are separated, a piece of you will always live in my heart and mind, and I will forever feel your loving spirit.  Please keep and eye on your big brother for me, and enjoy all the beauty and peace that you have been offered as you reached the arms of Jesus and the loving care of all the family members that went before you.  I love you more than words can say.

For now,

Mommy