My Dearest Ella:

 

Happy Birthday, my darling, and Happy Angel Day. Today is your day, and I wish I could spend every moment of today in your presence.  It seems unreal that is has been a year, and yet it seems that it has been forever since you left. I can remember every second of our time here together on your birthday, and I wish I could hold you again today, even if it were just for six hours all over again. We miss your love and your beauty, we miss your warmth and your presence, but most of all, we miss you.

 

Your big brother Brian talks about you often. He loves you and misses you, even though the two of you only had a brief amount of time here together.  Brady has joined us since your last birthday, but you already knew that.  I know he will also come to know and love you as his sister, and that he will grow to understand what an important part of our family you are, as you sit and watch him grow up from your seat on your Grandma Lorine’s and Great Grandma Ella’s lap.  I’m sure Uncle Mark, Aunt Sheila, and Great Grandma Clara steal some time as well.  I hope you are being well spoiled by everyone else who we miss here so much.

It seems backwards to be complaining to you about how much I miss you.  As your mother, I should be taking care of you, and tending to your two year-old needs.  I should be planning a princess party for you, and picking out your two year old pictures.  I should be watching you run off to play with Brian and Jessi at Grandma and Grandpa’s house when I leave for work in the mornings.  Most of all, I should be holding you tight and telling you that I love you each and every day, because no one will ever love you or cherish you the way that your mother does.  But I have to settle for speaking to you through the heavens.  I look at a falling star, a rainbow, a full moon, a butterfly, or a pink night sky and try to feel your warmth and your presence.  I ring the bells of your chimes and listen for your voice and your spirit.  I close my eyes, longing to feel just that much closer to you.  Last night’s sunset sky was pink and beautiful, and I thought it was just for us, to try and reach across the heavens as we mark another year without you.

 

We brought you a few birthday gifts, including a butterfly necklace.  I believe that you have met a new friend named Gabrielle, and her mommy told me about two beautiful butterflies who visited her one day.  Speaking of Gabrielle, I can’t help but think about your friends today as well: Gabrielle and Gabriella, Reese, Jonathan, Joey, Christian, Nicholas, Cameron, Morgan, Lily, James, and all the other children who have left their mommies and daddies too soon.  We know you are safe, happy, loved and cared for, but our hearts ache as we miss you so, so much.  Please know that there was never a more loved or wanted little girl in all of the world, and if loved could have healed you, you would be holding my hand today and blowing out your own birthday candles.

 

We try so hard to share your memory, your spirit and your love.  Sometimes it is so hard to put all of the emotions we have into words for you, but I trust that you will always know that there is a family here for you who will never, ever forget you.  We love you so much, and one of the things I have learned is that sometimes even love can hurt.  There are days that I miss you so much that I swear I can feel chards of my broken heart stabbing at my soul.  I know it is selfish, because I know that you have found love, joy and peace.  And yet, I cannot stop myself from longing to see your face, feel your touch and hear your laugh.

 

We love you, we miss you, and we remember you every day. Today is your day.

 

Happy Birthday, and Happy Angel Day.

 

Love Always,

Mommy