My Dearest Ella:
Happy Birthday, my darling, and Happy Angel Day. Today is your
day.
My arms ache to hold you and hug you and shower you with birthday kisses. I keep waiting for
the “missing you” part of me to heal, to get better with time, to stop hurting in a way that actually takes my
breath away. I’m waiting for time to heal my wounds, but in the end time seems to make me feel further away from you,
when the only place I want to be is next to you.
I looked at all the pictures I have of us from your birthday. I didn’t
need to, because
every moment, every detail, every thought and every feeling is forever etched in my memory. But pictures are one of the only
ways I have to be close to you, so I looked. I can’t help but see the love that poured out from each and every person’s
face that day: grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, friends, relatives, your little brother, and, of course, mommy and daddy.
Unfortunately, we don’t have pictures of everyone who was there, but
I can tell you that each and every person who
visited on your birthday felt special just to be with you. You were a gift from heaven, taken too soon, and we all knew we
were holding our own little angel. We were so happy to hold you, but you were gone in the blink of an eye. We tried to pour
out a lifetime of love into just six hours, and every day we wish for one more year, one more day, even one more hour with
you. Know that you are missed every hour of every day.
I see you everywhere. I see you in the laughter of the little girl at the
pool in the pink
tutu who giggles while she splashes in the water. I see you in the little sisters who bring their Barbie dolls to their brother’s
little league games. I wonder what you would look like, what you love, and how you would sound. Most of all, I wonder how
amazing it would feel to love you in person, instead of from a distance.
I wish you could be here with your brothers. They are funny, caring,
beautiful, amazing boys,
and I would give anything to see the three of you laugh and play and tease each other. Tomorrow would be your first day of
first grade at Valley View. You would be walking to school with Brian and Brady, and helping Brady get on the bus for the
first time—he’s so excited about his bus ride!
We brought you gifts again this year, but it was harder than ever
to pick them out. By now,
you would have had your own interests and
opinions about everything, and it’s hard to know just who you would have
become. Nonetheless, I can’t help but think that you would have wanted to do everything you could to keep up with your
brothers. Since they both have developed such a love for baseball, you are getting your own pink bat and ball. That way, you
could have played on the sideline during games and practices. Both boys are playing football this year, so you’re also
getting a pink football. Finally, there is still a “girly” gift for you—your first Barbie set. We might
have used to design beautiful dresses and other fashions together, and decorate them with the studs and beads in the kit.
We love you, we miss you, and we remember you every day. Today is
your day.
Happy Birthday, and Happy Angel Day.
Love Now, Forever and Always,
Mommy
