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August 31, 2010
My Dearest Ella:
Happy Birthday, my darling, and Happy Angel
Day. Today is your day. I miss you so, so much today. I want to be planning a
princess birthday party, but instead I will do the best I can for you here, today. I
miss you, my darling, more than ever. I know that seems impossible, but my feelings for you deepen with each passing day.
I had such a hard time picking out a gift
for you this year. It took me awhile, but I finally understood what was getting
in the way. Even though you are a part of every moment of every day, a part of
each breath that I take, and a constant presence in my heart, I don’t know you.
Because by now, you would have had your own sense of self, your own interests, and definitely your own opinions about
the world around you. Until now, it was easy for me to think of you as my princess
baby ballerina. As a mom of a small child, I could have made many of your choices
for you. But by now, you would have wanted to decide who was on your backpack,
what kind of birthday party you wanted, and what outfit you would wear for your first day of kindergarten. You would have chosen some of your own friends, your favorite TV show and even a favorite flavor of ice
cream. Your choices would be funny, cute, endearing, and even sometimes frustrating,
but ultimately they would be made by you. I wish I had the chance to see who
you would have become. I know in my heart you are a special gift from God, but
we’re left to imagine what life on earth with Ella would have been.
I wish you could be here with your brothers. They would tease you, and chase you, and hug you, and play with you, and sometimes
even fight with you, but more than anything, they would love you with all of their hearts.
They love you now, but it’s hard for them to understand a sister who is so far away.
A friend said to me that it brings her
some comfort to know you are safe from the wounds and the heartbreak that the experiences of life can bring. I want to be selfless, and want nothing but the peace and happiness of heaven for you, but I can’t
let go. I can’t surrender my desire to hold you again, to brush your hair
out of your eyes, to put band aids on your scrapes, to wipe away your tears, and to feel your arms around me with the power
and the love that only a child can give. Instead, I think of you and I feel the
little pieces of my heart that break and cut through my soul in a way only a mother can describe. I loved you before you came, and I will love you more each day, with a love that lasts forever. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much, but I know it only hurts because of how deeply we love.
I am not the only one loving and missing
you today, but our love has always been special, and will be forever. I know
you’re not the only little girl in heaven with a mommy who is so often sad, but I promise you that there is not another
little girl who is more loved and more missed than you, my darling.
We brought you gifts again this year—a
lunch box, because tomorrow would be your first day of kindergarten, and you would be eating lunch at school for the first
time. Hopefully, your brother would remember to look out for you on the playground
a bit and help you find your way to Miss Hoff’s classroom. We also brought
you the book, The Kissing Hand. The story is about a mommy and baby raccoon,
and the baby raccoon must make his way to his first day of school. He’s
a bit frightened, so his mommy shows him how he can take her kisses on his hand and rub them into his heart, so a part of
her will always be with him at school. The story is so much like you and I, except
our kisses have to last forever. The six hours we shared had to deliver a lifetime
of love, and that is why we feel so deeply connected to you. Your brothers helped
daddy decorate your garden today and make it beautiful for your special day. They
stop at your memory cabinet often to notice the small mementos we have from your day with us, and I know that you are a part
of their lives each and every day.
We love you, we miss you,
and we remember you every day. Today is your day.
Happy Birthday, and Happy
Angel Day.
Love Now, Forever and Always,
Mommy
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