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August 31, 2015
My Dearest Ella:
Happy Birthday, my darling, and Happy Angel Day. Today is your day. Ten years ago--a full decade--I couldn't have imagined
that I'd be here writing another birthday letter. In those first minutes, days and weeks without you, I barely felt as if
I could breathe, much less survive a full ten years. But here we are--you, safe in the arms of Jesus, and me here, still
hanging on to the pieces of a time cut so short by such unbelievable events.
As always, I am left with two images on this day: one of a beautiful, innocent newborn who would fall asleep on my chest
give that feeling of bonding and peace that only an infant can share. It's the reason I was so reluctant to let anyone else
hold you on your birthday, even though there were so many people who wanted to share even a minute of love with you. I knew
our time was short, and I wanted every second to myself. Selfish, I know. I felt as though I had to pour a lifetime of love
in what turned out to be just shy of six short hours, and I had no idea how to harness those feelings and transfer them into
your beautiful and innocent heart. It's why I held you through the night, hoping your soul could still feel the total love
and adoration I had for you, my baby girl, the miracle I had prayed for since I knew I wanted to be a mom.
Then again, I can see you as a ten year old girl, on the verge of so much independence and trying to figure out all that
was changing in your life. I would hope that I could have been a safe harbor--a trusted person in your life to talk, wonder,
dream, hope, cry, and help you grow into the young lady you wanted to be. I know your big brother Brian would have kept an
extra eye out for you, while Brady might have been a little too interested in hanging out with you and your friends for your
taste :). He wants to be big and grown, and your friends would have either found him annoying, cute, or some combination of
both.
Please know that I think of you and long to feel your hand in mine every single day. I know my days would be numbered
before you would be "too cool" to do it in public, but I would hope to sneak in a hug or a kiss good night whenever
I could :).
So many of my feelings in these letters are similar from year to year, but I have recently come to the realization that
I can no longer stay in this place with you, almost frozen in time. There's a part of me who has been waiting for a miracle,
or a hero, or some other external person, force or event to come and help lead me back to what I always believed was my true
calling and destiny. Or maybe I'd wake up from what has been a long, painful and lonely nightmare to find that you have been
here all along. Crazy, I know, but I felt so powerless to come up for air after not only your passing, but then hit after
hit just seemed to come from every direction every day. It feels like I have been standing in the rain for 10+ years; sometimes
it's a full blown storm, sometimes just a drizzle, but the rain is always there leaving me chilled to the bone, exhausted
and so, so sad. There is no relief in sleep, because my dreams take me to places in my heart and mind that I can push away
during the day. I have tried to be a good mom to your brothers and a mom you could be proud of, but I know that I have fallen
woefully short so many times.
After all the waiting, hoping, begging, pleading, bargaining, praying and wishing, I've come to realize that the only
way forward is somewhere deep inside of me. It's time for me to let go of the life I thought should be living and live in
the life that is. I'm not leaving you, my darling--not for a second. As a matter of fact, I don't think I can do this without
you. But it is time to find a mission and a purpose that honors you but lets me care for myself and our family. I'm not 100%
sure what that mission is today--but I've started to take actions that will hopefully empower me to move myself from spinning
my wheels to moving forward. I will never, ever move on--you and I are a part of one another for eternity--but it is time
to pick up some of the broken pieces and collect some new ones to create a picture for the future. I can't do this without
you, so I am asking you to help me find my path and some peace along the way. It's been a long, long road for us these first
ten years, but it is time for me to alter my path for all of those i love and care about.
You know we always bring you gifts on your birthday—tokens of where you might be. Today you get a sparkly pink
pencil box. I know pretty soon I wouldn't be allowed to pick out your clothes, accessories, etc., but for now you may still
like the things your mama picked out for what would be your first day of 5th grade.
I could keep writing forever, because my feelings about you flow through my heart and mind constantly. Every victory
is a little bit hollow and every sadness a bit deeper because of your absence. Just know that if love could have healed your
body, you would have been a happy, healthy 10 year old girl living in a home filled with love and laughter. I am going to
do better this year--I promise on all of our love.
We love you, we miss you, and we remember you every day. But today is your day.
Forever and always-
Love,
Mommy
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