August 31, 2013
My Dearest Ella:
Happy Birthday, my darling, and Happy Angel Day. Today is your day.
We’ve talked a lot in recent days about how it seems like we didn’t have a
summer this year. With the cold weather,
we haven’t had many pool days or other summertime fun. I feel the same way about the last year and
your birthday. It feels like yesterday—time
passes without any effort at all—and it feels like you have just left.
I’m always left wondering if I should think of you as an 8 year
old or if you are forever my baby girl. It’s
the reason that both a onesie made to look like a tutu and holiday dress from
the big girls’ section can bring me to tears every time. Part of me wants to
hold you, rock you and feed you as only a mother can do with her newborn, but I also wonders what you would be saying and
doing as you grow up. On Tuesday, you’d be starting third grade,
and we would have just finished school shopping and organizing all your things
for the very first day. I always wonder
if you would have loved school the way I did, and even enjoyed picking out new
folders, markers, crayons, notebooks and more.
You have the best brothers in the whole wide world, but my heart and
soul still long for you, my baby girl, who would hopefully have the best
elements of me and your father, plus your own beliefs, hopes, passions and
dreams. The combination would have
blossomed into a strong, smart, beautiful, caring and compassionate young
lady. The thought of spending time with
you every day on everything from the tedium of preparing dinner to the beauty
of watching your perform on a stage, all dressed up with sparkles and ruffles,
makes my heart long for you that much more.
From the time I was old enough to know I wanted to be a mother, I’ve
always dreamed that I would have my own daughter to love and cherish, to share
the girlie activities with and to pass on the legacy created by the
relationship between me and your grandmother. So many times when Brian, Brady
and I are together, I feel as if there is a missing puzzle piece. Your brothers are so amazing-I just know how
much they’d love to love you, play with you, tease you, and do all the other
things that brothers and sisters do.
You know we always bring you gifts on your birthday—tokens of
where you might be in your life had you stayed with us. I found a book that, at first glance, Brian
thought was personally created for you!
It’s about a little girl names Ella who has magic pink shoes. Not only would I love to cuddle with you and
read you the story, I wish I had the shoes to put on your feet. I thought a
book was appropriate, because I imagine that you would have loved to read and
wanted to participate in summer reading programs and more.
I miss you every day, and I think of you literally hundreds of
times each day. I’ve said that before, but it’s the only way I have to convey
how ever present you are in my mind and heart.
I cannot see another little girl without feeling a void next to me. The world seems to be filled landmines that
tug at my heartstrings and challenge my strength. My friends says we feel this way because we
had to pour a lifetime of love into just one day, and the residual feelings
leave us exhausted and filled with a kind of grief that does not dissipate.
I could keep writing forever, because my feelings about you flow
through my heart and mind constantly.
Every victory is a little bit hollow and every sadness a bit deeper
because of your absence. Just know that if love could have healed your body,
you would have been a happy, healthy 8 year old girl living in a home filled
with love and laughter.
We love you, we miss you, and we remember you every day. But today
is your day.
Forever and always-
Love,
Mommy
