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August 31, 2014
My Dearest Ella:
Happy Birthday, my darling, and Happy Angel Day. Today is your day. I spent some time looking over our previous letters,
and I see that we're in the same place we were a year ago. Little to no summer, and in so many ways the time has flown by.
But in other ways time seems to stand still. It feels like yesterday; time passes without any effort at all, and yet it feels
like you have just left. A waltz frozen in time.
I'm always left wondering if I should think of you as a 9 year old or if you are forever my baby girl. Every baby girl
I see stops my breath for just a second, but watching my friends interact with their growing daughters makes me envious of
the bond I see developing that only comes between a mother and daughter. I love your brothers more than life itself, but I
long for the special mommy/daughter time that I dreamed of all my life.
On Tuesday, you'd be starting fourth grade, and we would have just finished school shopping and organizing all your things
for the very first day. You and Brady would be off to Valley View, while Brian has to be long gone by 7:00 am. I always think
you would have loved school the way I did, and even enjoyed picking out new folders, markers, crayons, notebooks and more.
You have the best brothers in the whole wide world, but my heart and soul still long for you, my baby girl, who would hopefully
have the best elements of me and your father, the influence of your loving brothers, plus your own beliefs, hopes, passions
and dreams. The combination would have blossomed into a strong, smart, beautiful, caring and compassionate young lady. The
thought of spending time with you every day on everything from the tedium of preparing dinner to the beauty of watching your
perform on a stage, all dressed up with sparkles and ruffles, makes my heart long for you that much more. From the time I
was old enough to know I wanted to be a mother, I've always dreamed that I would have my own daughter to love and cherish,
to share the girlie activities with and to pass on the legacy created by the relationship between me and your grandmother.
So many times when Brian, Brady and I are together, I feel as if there is a missing puzzle piece. Your brothers are so amazing-I
just know how much they'd love to love you, play with you, tease you, and do all the other things that brothers and sisters
do.
I can't help but wonder how you may have changed to shift in our family's path had you been able to stay. The last nine
years have seen sadness, serious illnesses, abandonment from some who had called themselves "friends," and total
upheaval of some very important parts of our life. None of this is your fault, and it's impossible to know what "might"
have been, but a lot of our family and financial stresses seemed to stem from each of trying to address our grief and fill
the void left by our beautiful angel, but nothing can or will ever compare to you. Even after all this time, I cannot understand
why God need to take you home so soon and with such chaos. For awhile, I believed that God had another girl's should that
needed to be sent to a loving family, so you got the benefit and joy of heaven and the other girl would stay with us to create
positive change in her world.
You know we always bring you gifts on your birthday;tokens of where you might be in your life had you stayed with us.
Since Brian finally got his first iPhone and Brady got an iPod, I thought you might have lobbied us for your own phone, so
I found you a beautiful pink and white case with your name and a butterfly. Just don't get caught using your phone where
you're not supposed to have it :)
We missed being with you for all of our traditions on your actual birthday this year--the first time ever. It was so
hard to not be here. Logically, my brain understands that you aren't really "here" when we come to the cemetery,
and yet emotionally it feels like a little piece of you was left here 9 years ago, along with a piece of me. That's why our
names are all on the headstone together. I didn't want you to be alone, and I also needed to realize that a part of my died
and left with you on that fateful day in August of 2005. But we thought about it for a long, long time. Angel Day is your
day, and please don't doubt that you were very present in my heart, mind and soul every minute of every day. But your brothers
needed on last summer outing before school starts on Tuesday, and your birthday was the only day that promised good weather.
It's always beautiful on your birthday. I remember the day nine years ago, just like I remember the feeling of getting in
the car to go home today without you. Walking out of that hospital and riding home without a baby in our car seat was so,
so lonely and illogical. I know that thousands of children are lost every day, but on that day, the only child I could think
about was mine. That is another feeling I can never forget.
I know I am supposed yo be the one taking care of you , but I have reached the point where I have to learn to accept help.
So I implore you--if there is any sort of protective blanket that van be wrapped around our are family until we are back on
our feet, please give me some kind of a sign. I know I should be taking my prayers and request directly to The Lord, but I
am literally grasping at straws as the last little bits of control are taken away.
I miss you every day, and I think of you literally hundreds of times each day. I've said that before, but it's the only
way I have to convey how ever present you are in my mind and heart. I cannot see another little girl without feeling a void
next to me. The world seems to be filled land mines that tug at my heartstrings and challenge my strength. My friends says
we feel this way because we had to pour a lifetime of love into just one day, and the residual feelings leave us exhausted
and filled with a kind of grief that does not dissipate.
I could keep writing forever, because my feelings about you flow through my heart and mind constantly. Every victory
is a little bit hollow and every sadness a bit deeper because of your absence. Just know that if love could have healed your
body, you would have been a happy, healthy 9 year old girl living in a home filled with love and laughter.
We love you, we miss you, and we remember you every day. But today is your day.
With hope, peace, heartache, confusion and uncertainty for the future.
Forever and always-
Love,
Mommy
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