August 31, 2009
My Dearest Ella:
Happy Birthday, my darling, and Happy Angel Day. Today is your day. There aren’t
enough words to express how much I long to spend today with you—holding you, kissing you, hearing you giggle, and seeing
you enjoy your day. I miss you, my darling, more than ever.
Four years. It seems like a lifetime, and
it seems like yesterday. When I close my eyes, and can see, hear and feel every
moment of your day. I can remember the first moment I saw you, our first touch,
and the overwhelming love that fell between us. I see you getting your bath from
Daddy and Brian, and being held by so many people with so much care and love. I
can also see the look in the eyes of the nurse as she shook her head at me to tell me that your heart could no longer keep
beating. You were nestled safely in your Daddy’s arms, and you left us
so peacefully. Looking back, it seems strange that such a momentous, life-changing
event would happen so silently.
I wish you could be here with your brothers. They
are funny, caring, beautiful, amazing boys, and I would give anything to see the three of you laugh and play and tease each
other. If you could have stayed with us, you’d be starting school at Valley
View tomorrow with Brian. I know how proud he’d be to show off as your
big brother, letting you know all about the school he loves so much, and introducing you to Mrs. Sandow. Brady would be missing you, after a summer together discovering swimming pools, bunnies, tire swings, camp
outs, zoo trips, and so much more.
I know there are many people who love your and miss you.
You are a cherished daughter and sister, a beloved granddaughter, a special niece, and dear little girl to many friends
and relatives. However, I know in my heart that the bond that you and I share
stands alone. The love between us is indescribable. It is endless and unconditional, and it is a part of every breath that I take. The love between us is a gift. It is also the reason that
my heart aches so very much over the distance between us. There isn’t an
event of our lives that I experience without the acute realization that you are absent.
While I know in my heart that you are with us in your own way, my arms ache to scoop you up and hug you full of love,
and my hands want to reach out for the security of that physical connection between a mom and a daughter who love one another
and who need one another. I want to be able to give you my love, through my heart
and my hands and my words, and I want to be able to see that same love in the eyes of a little four year-old girl. I want to tuck you in at night, instead of sending wishes to stars and the heavens. I want to kiss your sweet forehead instead of the angel at your grave.
Most of all, I wish I had been given the chance to truly be your mother. I
know that I would have made mistakes, but I would have tried my best to help you find your own way, while always knowing that
you had a loving, caring and supportive place to call home. I know you are safe
and happy and in a place of peace, and that my wishes for you to stay are selfish, but I hope you can understand that they
come from a place of deep and abiding love. You see, my darling, I loved you
for many years before you even came. You were my deepest wish and my greatest
dream. I longed for you from the day I was old enough to understand the importance
of being a mother. Your grandmother and your Aunt Susie are such special people
to me, and I wanted to share that special bond with my own daughter someday, and give her the gifts that my mother and sister
shared with me. My love for you is also my heartbreak, and I hope you can forgive
me for being unable to let you go. I
know that you know how complicated and even unbearable our days have been at times, and how many outside influences weigh
on our shoulders. But in my heart, it is the loss of you, and the loss of the
life that for me, should have been, that bears heaviest on my heart. I know there
were other plans and other purposes for you, but as your mother, I ache to have you by my side and can’t help but imagine
what would have been hundreds of times each day.
We brought you gifts again this year—your own backpack, for that first day of four
year-old kindergarten that would start tomorrow, along with a new wind chime to bring music back to the place we visit. Your daddy made you a garden this year; you would have been just old enough to be
his helper to tend to your own flowers at home, and I know how he would have enjoyed watching you work beside him. Your brothers
picked out a birthday balloon for you. They stop at your memory cabinet often
to notice the small mementos we have from your day with us, and I know that you are a part of their lives each and every day.
We love you, we miss you, and we remember you every day. Today is your day.
Happy Birthday, and Happy Angel Day.
Love Now, Forever and Always,
Mommy
